Breaking up is easy for some people, hard for others. There's a common trend amongst the people in each of these two groups. I'm going to discuss why some people can shrug off a relationship in 5 minutes and why others won't be over a break-up for months.
Let's cover the ones who suffer first. Bear with me here; let's imagine their life is a big pie chart. 30% of their life is filled by work. 5% is filled by leisure. 5% is spent with friends. 60% is spent with their lover.
What's wrong with that, you say? There's nothing wrong with it; they obviously love their partner and want to spend every second they can with them. But what happens if they break up with their lover?
Suddenly they've got over half of their life (60%) taken away from them. It's a void. They're going to feel empty. Effectively, half of their life has been ripped out from them as soon as the break-up has taken place.
They've not only lost their lover, but they've lost a part of themselves, too.
Now let's take a look at someone who can deal with break-ups. We'll use the pie chart example again, but this time it will be a little different. 30% is work, 10% is leisure, 25% is friends, 15% is hobbies, 5% is family and 15% is their relationship.
What happens when they break-up with someone? Sure, they're going to be hurt. But they won't be devastated like the first example, because they've still got 85% of their life filled with other things. Life will move on as usual for them and not only will they get over their ex, they'll probably find another partner very quickly or even win their ex back.
This is because independence is attractive. Knowing that you have a life outside of your partner is very attractive, and makes them want to be a part of it; they don't want to miss out! If you spend every breathing second with your partner you don't become special anymore; you become normal.
There's no urgency to be with you or want you because they can have you any time they like. You're not a scarcity. Most of all, you don't give them a chance to miss you. I've always noticed feelings grow the strongest in absence. Do you want your ex more now than you did before you broke up? People want what they can't have. So if you're in the process of getting over a break up, or you want to win them back, your best shot is to back off and let them miss you.
Every time you phone them, every time you write to them wanting them back they'll know they can still have you whenever they want. There's no urgency to grab you back because they know you're not going anywhere. If you find yourself in the position of the first example, feeling empty with your ex now gone, the most important thing to do is start filling up the space again.
Write down three things you've always wanted to do, or always wanted to learn. How to dance? Street magic? How to play an instrument? How to draw? There are tons of things you can learn out there, and tons of clubs or courses you can take.
The vital thing behind doing this is that you're going to be replacing the loss you're suffering from breaking up. You'll be meeting new people, and who knows; maybe you'll meet the love of your life. Some people may tell you that time will help you get over the break up, but time and action helps a heck of a lot more.
When your ex sees that you're moving on with your life, they'll be interested in you again. They'll want to know why you don't need them anymore. They'll want to know why your life is exciting enough that you're not begging them to come back.
At the same time, you'll be getting over them; so taking them back will be your choice. But don't do this for the sole purpose of winning them back. That's just a bonus side effect. Do this to fill up your life again and replace what you've lost. You'll make yourself feel better and you'll be doing something new.
Valentino specializes in helping those who are suffering in their relationships and provides tips on how to become happier.
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Relationship and Break-up Advice
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